Perfectionist Fallacy & My Shopping Addiction: a few confessions & my intentions

• I have a shopping addiction
• I think I use it to cope
• I possibly have OCD, ADD, Depression, PTSD, BPD, NPD
• I binge shop a lot
• I rarely use my stuff
• I am unemployed
• I have no source of income
• I have a lot of credit card debt
• I accept myself as is
• I accept my bad habits as they are
• They are not inherently bad
• I am trying to expose myself to myself
• I am trying to appreciate what I already have
• I am trying to use up what I own
• I have always had a stream of new “stuff” coming into my life, and thus I feel like I don’t know my likes and dislikes.
• I want to learn about my likes and dislikes
• I attach a “fantasy;  fantastical sense of self”, or an emotional tie to “things”.
• I don’t want my things to be part of my identity; although I feel that way deeply with books. I need to find a way to figure this out. Maybe, I need to attach my identity to the idea of the book out there existing in the world, without the need to own it. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t attach my identity or romanticize books to begin with… Though, I KNOW that I always will. I am a sentimental person. It is not a bad thing. I accept myself as I am. Maybe it is OK to buy a copy of a favorite book, just because it makes me safe.
• I had an excellent credit score (though I always struggled with buying/returning, but I was able to afford it)
• I am ashamed/afraid to look at my finances
• My shopping habits make me embarrassed
• I spend a lot of time, money, energy researching, fantasizing, returning, buying stuff that I seldom use
• I have a Poshmark and Mercari accounts and I was so successful with them last year
• I’d like to get back to decluttering and being active on aforementioned platforms
• I’d like to declutter more by selling/donating/giving away as gifts
• I want to know what I actually have and how I feel about them
• I would like to partake in Project Panning, or No Buy
• I wonder how my life and my personality will change if I fixed this unhealthy habit
• I return a lot of stuff, to a point where I have to hit different malls or have friends do it for me because I am embarrassed by the quantities
• I would like to have a concrete Savings account
• I would like to feel the joy of shopping
• What I have been doing gives me no joy, it just feel like it is something I have to do
• I want to have less stuff that I love
• I want to learn about my preferences, which will lead to having more intention when I shop
• I hate feeling like I need to try everything to find the best “item”. As I am in the drowning in this process, I recognize that those decisions are trivial in the long run, but I can’t stop myself
• I am embarrassed to admit my shopping habits to others
• I feel crazy in my head
• I don’t feel normal
• I feel like I make my life hell but I can’t stop myself
• I will add more to this
• I hope I can be consistent with this
• I struggle with consistency
• I am in therapy
• I am on medication
• I will add more to this, as I think of my more confessions/ intentions
• I needed to do this, as just I BINGED on makeup shopping
• I was afraid to tally up everything; I am still afraid to open my bank account
• I need to go to mail a BUNCH of returns tomorrow
• I feel happy when I get rid of stuff
• I don’t understand the root/roots of my shopping addiction. I don’t understand it. I just want to talk about it
• I believe if people find out about my bad habits, that they will think I am a psychopath, or is it a sociopath…
• I believe that I can never find romantic love if I expose my shame and weird obsessions/habits to the other person
• Today, my therapist said what I suffer from is called a “Perfectionist Fallacy”, and most people don’t have it, but a significant minority have it and are just like me
• I am glad it has a name
• I want to learn about it
• I want to attend a Shopaholics Anonymous meeting
• I hope they take place around me
• My therapist said I have a hard time accepting reality as it is
• My credit card doesn’t go through on Ulta.com anymore, I believe the have banned me
• I have so many fictional accounts, fictional names, and emails

C12: What a life

C12: What a life

I look at you and it’s like I am 18 again

I remember what it’s like to feel young and miserable

But now it’s different

I have more wisdom

Limited, I shall say

But able to carry me through seeing life outside of you

I taste second chances

I feel grace

I am in awe of what a life it is

Letters to Lovely: A Dead Pigeon

C3: Selflessness

C3: Selflessness

I was discussing with my argumentative therapist an intense, extreme, optimal example of human selfness. A person that I know that sacrifices ALL HE HAS of time, energy, and finances for a a very noble cause, if not THE most noble cause there is. I can’t quote my therapist exactly but he minimized and diluted my friend’s efforts by counting them off as self gratifying at the end (so not entirely selfless).

If the epitome of selfness HAS TO HAVE an iota of self gratification in the equation because noble causes are fulfilling to the human moral consciousness, then why should that weaken the quality of selflessness. In other words, if the quality of selflessness itself as humans know it contains self gratification then why should that even be mentioned.

C2: Road Trip

C2: Road Trip:

There are things that I am afraid of. Dark truths about the world that I am afraid to face and look in the eye. Maybe they’re not entirely dark but they are not entirely light either. Maybe the hidden, the parts that I don’t know or see will give me the relief and courage I need to face the dark parts. But the healing doesn’t come before the hurt.

(I wrote this, hoping that writing would be cathartic and alleviate my fears. I am literally afraid to take a road trip because I am afraid of what I am going to see and suffer the emotions and the actions that those truths warrant.)

C1: Fixation

C1: Fixation

Calling you beautiful is an understatement

Looking at your face (against the glimmering sun) spreading its rays to take more beauty from the world

Looking at your (shimmering) eyes giving it back

Sometimes sucking it all in and the rays in them become brighter, fiercer

Sucking me in

As I am left to feel or not feel at all the lightness of existence

(I woke up to an image in my mind that that inspired this image. It was of S looking at me through the corner of his right eye, as the falling sun and the ocean behind made it sparkle. We were standing on the pier arguing. Obviously, I embellished a bit to allow the moment its glory that can only be found in poetry, fiction, and our imaginative minds when we recall what could have been and make it more.)

Dysfunctional Comfort

MercyMe – I Can Only Imagine (The Movie Session – Official Music Video)

An open letter to Procrastination

Procrastination: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Because of you I am a late bloomer. And I hate it. You make me feel paralyzed. You make me feel unable. You make me feel like a loser. I hate how you play a big role in my life and I hate that you just creep up on me everyday. I hate how many times I tried to battle you and failed. I hate knowing how capable and close I am to achieving my goals and dreams but you just stand there between me and them.

You stand there mocking me with a look in your eyes about how weak willed I must be to succumb to you everyday. You’re so good at at making me self-loathe. The smirk on your face says it all.

Some people have great obstacles like lack of health, money, resources, or time and yet they rise above themselves and their scarcity whatever it may be. But here you are wasting away your years because of me. I am nothing to other people. But to you, I am your enemy.

How easy is it for me to lure you in with sleeping in, lingering in bed, watching just one more show. I relish in the idiotic ways I can make you surrender to me even without knowing.

Sometimes I even make you think that you have everything under control so what is wrong with just a little entertainment. A little venturing off the way.

The high you get from being productive and staying on task have become so foreign to you that you can’t even keep it up for more than just one day. It literally scares you and makes your heart beats faster.

Truth is I am scared of who you could be without me.

Will you be able to conquer me?

I will.

For the love of Picnics

I went on a picnic

in the fresh air