I was discussing with my argumentative therapist an intense, extreme, optimal example of human selfness. A person that I know that sacrifices ALL HE HAS of time, energy, and finances for a a very noble cause, if not THE most noble cause there is. I can’t quote my therapist exactly but he minimized and diluted my friend’s efforts by counting them off as self gratifying at the end (so not entirely selfless).
If the epitome of selfness HAS TO HAVE an iota of self gratification in the equation because noble causes are fulfilling to the human moral consciousness, then why should that weaken the quality of selflessness. In other words, if the quality of selflessness itself as humans know it contains self gratification then why should that even be mentioned.
There are things that I am afraid of. Dark truths about the world that I am afraid to face and look in the eye. Maybe they’re not entirely dark but they are not entirely light either. Maybe the hidden, the parts that I don’t know or see will give me the relief and courage I need to face the dark parts. But the healing doesn’t come before the hurt.
(I wrote this, hoping that writing would be cathartic and alleviate my fears. I am literally afraid to take a road trip because I am afraid of what I am going to see and suffer the emotions and the actions that those truths warrant.)
Looking at your face (against the glimmering sun) spreading its rays to take more beauty from the world
Looking at your (shimmering) eyes giving it back
Sometimes sucking it all in and the rays in them become brighter, fiercer
Sucking me in
As I am left to feel or not feel at all the lightness of existence
(I woke up to an image in my mind that that inspired this image. It was of S looking at me through the corner of his right eye, as the falling sun and the ocean behind made it sparkle. We were standing on the pier arguing. Obviously, I embellished a bit to allow the moment its glory that can only be found in poetry, fiction, and our imaginative minds when we recall what could have been and make it more.)
Procrastination: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Because of you I am a late bloomer. And I hate it. You make me feel paralyzed. You make me feel unable. You make me feel like a loser. I hate how you play a big role in my life and I hate that you just creep up on me everyday. I hate how many times I tried to battle you and failed. I hate knowing how capable and close I am to achieving my goals and dreams but you just stand there between me and them.
You stand there mocking me with a look in your eyes about how weak willed I must be to succumb to you everyday. You’re so good at at making me self-loathe. The smirk on your face says it all.
Some people have great obstacles like lack of health, money, resources, or time and yet they rise above themselves and their scarcity whatever it may be. But here you are wasting away your years because of me. I am nothing to other people. But to you, I am your enemy.
How easy is it for me to lure you in with sleeping in, lingering in bed, watching just one more show. I relish in the idiotic ways I can make you surrender to me even without knowing.
Sometimes I even make you think that you have everything under control so what is wrong with just a little entertainment. A little venturing off the way.
The high you get from being productive and staying on task have become so foreign to you that you can’t even keep it up for more than just one day. It literally scares you and makes your heart beats faster.
Truth is I am scared of who you could be without me.
Super obvious things but I want to name and acknowledge them in hope that those little parasite can go away and leave me alone. I, literally, want to figure them out on this post and it is going to sound so stupid, but I guess that sometimes I am just that dumb! I try to fight them, instead of making them away. A battle usually lost and ends in me glued to the bed as my mind is roaming freely in the land of Self-Loathing.
a. Problem: Too thirsty/ Solution: Go drink.
b. too hungry/ Go eat.
c. Need to use the bathroom/ Go use the bathroom.
d. too hot/ Go get a shirt.
e. too cold/ Go wear a robe.
f. Feeling bothered that my skin is dry/ Go lotion.
g. Feeling that scalp is itchy/ Go shower with Head and Shoulders and give your scalp a good massage (note to self: need to fix shower).
h. Feeling ugly/ Go shower and put a little effort into outfit and makeup.
i. Feeling that I use LAUNDRY (God help me) as an escape mechanism to delay that important things I should be doing/ Finish the load and do one thing that is important.
j. Feeling that I am easily tempted and that I shop too much/ Stop shopping for 24 hours.
k. Feeling shitty cause I was mean to my family/ Decide to continue the day with kindness. Just one day.
l. Feeling that my space is filthy and decluttered/ Go declutter or clean one thing.
m. Panting and feeling anxious cause I can’t make a decision/ Breathe, drink water, go pee if you need to, and put things into perspective.
n. Feeling like I have too many THINGS and especially things I don’t use/ Put one thing away IMMEDIATELY in the Goodwill bag.
I present to you: dandelions. Some see a weed, others see a wish.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)
“The practice of kindness is the daily, friendly, homely caring form of love. It is both humble-a schoolboy bringing his teacher a bouquet of dandelions-and exalted-a fireman giving his life to save someone else’s. Kindness is love with hands and hearts and minds. It is both whimsical-causing our faces to crack into a smile-and deeply touching-causing our eyes to shimmer with tears. And its miraculous nature is such that the more acts of kindness we offer, the more of them we have to give, for acts of kindness are always drawn from the endless well of love.”
“To have an inner life, to think, to juggle and leap, to become a tightrope walker in the world of ideas. To attack, to riposte, to refute, what a contest, what acclaim. To understand. The most generous word of all. Memory. To retain, a geyser of felicity. Intelligence. The agonizing poverty of my mind. Words and ideas flitting in and out like butterflies. My brain a dandelion seed blown in the wind.”
“A man who took great pride in his lawn found himself with a large crop of dandelions. He tried every method he knew to get rid of them. Still they plagued him. Finally he wrote the department of agriculture. He enumerated all the things he had tried and closed his letter with the question: “What shall I do now?” In due course the reply came: “We suggest you learn to love them.”
Anthony de Mello
“I was as unburdened as a piece of dandelion fluff, and he was the wind that stirred me about the world.”