C2: Road Trip:
There are things that I am afraid of. Dark truths about the world that I am afraid to face and look in the eye. Maybe they’re not entirely dark but they are not entirely light either. Maybe the hidden, the parts that I don’t know or see will give me the relief and courage I need to face the dark parts. But the healing doesn’t come before the hurt.
(I wrote this, hoping that writing would be cathartic and alleviate my fears. I am literally afraid to take a road trip because I am afraid of what I am going to see and suffer the emotions and the actions that those truths warrant.)
Procrastination: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Because of you I am a late bloomer. And I hate it. You make me feel paralyzed. You make me feel unable. You make me feel like a loser. I hate how you play a big role in my life and I hate that you just creep up on me everyday. I hate how many times I tried to battle you and failed. I hate knowing how capable and close I am to achieving my goals and dreams but you just stand there between me and them.
You stand there mocking me with a look in your eyes about how weak willed I must be to succumb to you everyday. You’re so good at at making me self-loathe. The smirk on your face says it all.
Some people have great obstacles like lack of health, money, resources, or time and yet they rise above themselves and their scarcity whatever it may be. But here you are wasting away your years because of me. I am nothing to other people. But to you, I am your enemy.
How easy is it for me to lure you in with sleeping in, lingering in bed, watching just one more show. I relish in the idiotic ways I can make you surrender to me even without knowing.
Sometimes I even make you think that you have everything under control so what is wrong with just a little entertainment. A little venturing off the way.
The high you get from being productive and staying on task have become so foreign to you that you can’t even keep it up for more than just one day. It literally scares you and makes your heart beats faster.
Truth is I am scared of who you could be without me.
Will you be able to conquer me?
Dear Wonderful Reader,
Super obvious things but I want to name and acknowledge them in hope that those little parasite can go away and leave me alone. I, literally, want to figure them out on this post and it is going to sound so stupid, but I guess that sometimes I am just that dumb! I try to fight them, instead of making them away. A battle usually lost and ends in me glued to the bed as my mind is roaming freely in the land of Self-Loathing.
a. Problem: Too thirsty/ Solution: Go drink.
b. too hungry/ Go eat.
c. Need to use the bathroom/ Go use the bathroom.
d. too hot/ Go get a shirt.
e. too cold/ Go wear a robe.
f. Feeling bothered that my skin is dry/ Go lotion.
g. Feeling that scalp is itchy/ Go shower with Head and Shoulders and give your scalp a good massage (note to self: need to fix shower).
h. Feeling ugly/ Go shower and put a little effort into outfit and makeup.
i. Feeling that I use LAUNDRY (God help me) as an escape mechanism to delay that important things I should be doing/ Finish the load and do one thing that is important.
j. Feeling that I am easily tempted and that I shop too much/ Stop shopping for 24 hours.
k. Feeling shitty cause I was mean to my family/ Decide to continue the day with kindness. Just one day.
l. Feeling that my space is filthy and decluttered/ Go declutter or clean one thing.
m. Panting and feeling anxious cause I can’t make a decision/ Breathe, drink water, go pee if you need to, and put things into perspective.
n. Feeling like I have too many THINGS and especially things I don’t use/ Put one thing away IMMEDIATELY in the Goodwill bag.
Well, why. It has been a while! Thank you for sticking with me.
I am doing a 30 Day Minimalism Challenge. And no, I am not jumping on the Minimalism-New Age-Crystals train. I just need to do all the things that this challenge lists.
I am skipping number 1, but I will do it at the end of the challenge.
Here is the challenge, if you would like to participate yourself.
Alright, on to # 2.
a. get 8-ish hours of sleep and wake before 7 am. Preferably at 5 am.
c. pray and read.
d. write/ journal.
g. Blog and breakfast.
h. Get one big thing ticked off my to do list, before 10 am.
j. jog (a LITERALLY 3 minute jog, but hey, I am building up to something. Hopefully!)
Everyone is trying to touch the Divine somehow.
This is what I imagine God is telling me about my b*****s in the sea that are trying to torture me mentally. I need to combat those thoughts back with God. My brain goes crazy trying to argue with those bitches; there is no need to. I need to silence them with the word of God.
- Me: a family friend’s suicide. A 17 year old boy… He suffered so much. Why did you let him go this way. Why did you make it successful. If you were planing to take him anyway, why did’t you make it a natural death. It was sad to see how much he suffered from bullying, judgement, physical abuse, and loneliness, and then to see the same abusive people judge him even in his passing like they’re better than him somehow. Like they’re superior to him because he couldn’t handle life and they are. Why is it the the meek is always conspired against and a lot of time the meek end up losing those battles, at least from an earthly perspective. He was so full of light, how could he go out in this dark way… Where were you? What was he thinking in his last moment? How could he reach this point of hopelessness and brokenness? I know that sometimes, hardships are supposed to teach us something, make us grow, maybe you were trying to teach his family something and the people around him, but why would it be at his own expense. I love you, God. Don’t be mad at me. I just wish I understood. How am I supposed to answer those bitches when they come at me like that. I don’t get it, Lord…
God: Lay it down, child
- Me: My break up with my boyfriend. I don’t necessarily love him and want him but the act of “breaking up” seems foreign to me and unnatural. How could my best friend become a stranger to me. I feel guilty for letting him go, knowing how short life is. He wants to leave too. I can’t make sense of it…
God: Let it go, Child
- A boy who never gave the time of the day. I have this sort of crush/ infatuation with him for TEN years and I have to say I calmed down since. I mean I don’t write his name on the sand or anything (anymore). But, I hate how I still think about him. Sometimes, he actually invades my dreams and the strange thing I always wake up SO happy. I pray that I rise above it. Though, somehow I still think he will fall for me. I think it is inevitable. & I hate that thought too. I prayed SO much about him, and I think the Lord won’t let those prayers/ promisses go in vain, even if my prayer now is to rise above it.
God: Rise above it, child (and MAYBE, I will surprise you)
- When I see unfathomable injustices in the world, that makes me feel that the world is so dark, and life is unbearable and I think, God, please intervene, where are you? When I feel so helpless and all I can do is cry out to Him. When the pain becomes my pain and I pray and I tell God I love you and I trust and I am hurt by the darkness of the world and I feel the pain that poor creatures and innocent people are feeling, but tell me how I can let go. Tell how I can look at this without carrying it all on my shoulder. I can I not react to this. What is your way to reacting to this. I don’t know how to explain it. But Jesus did have Godly anger towards the peoples’ behavior in His Father’s house. So maybe I am rightful in my pain… But, I don’t think cause my pain is great, it extends to the pain of millions creatures I have never saw. I know I am doing this wrong…
- Me: When people say that God is okay with eating animals and that he created them to be exploited by humans. That animals don’t have souls and they don’t to heaven. This paints God as being racist, and cruel. I know he is NOT. God isn’t compassionate. God is COMPASSION itself. If I am a mere human, who is full of sin and ignorance can have this compassion towards animals’ suffering, then how could God couldn’t. My minute compassion is a reflection of His compassion. And His compassion is unimaginably, and infinitely bigger than mine. Also, God is their creator, so that makes Him care about animals 3786386829748499 than I ever could. Also, He is the one who knows everything, sees everything, and feel everything, so their pain is 64845688675500 more real to Him than me.
God: for this one, I feel like I have to defend God and I tell Him I got it. I think about God’s character. I think about his goodness, kindness, and all the awesomeness that He is. And I think about how people are ignorant and that I shouldn’t blame God for what they wrongly say about Him, even they were priests, and even if I can’t find the exact piece of scripture to back me up.
- Me: My life, my future. Where is going. People around me have accomplished more. Did I waste my life. Did I waste the best part of my life. What was I doing those past 5 years. Look at other people, they’re actually taking real serious steps in their future like getting a degree, getting married, having a baby and I am write here writing a blog post and thinking about organizing my files. And the crazy thing is, I actually don’t want to get a degree, get married, or have babies, but I find my thoughts still taunting me with other people mile stones that I have no desire of achieving. Am I doing the right thing. God, you gave the power to change the world, and I can’t even get out of bed. I am sorry God for being so dumb and lazy. I know you gave a lot of potential and it isn’t your fault that I am using it. I can’t even pray to you. This is all on me. But, you know make me better, cause you control everything. And just chatter, chatter, chatter…. It never ends.
God: Let go of control, child. You never had it anyway.