C12: What a life
I look at you and it’s like I am 18 again
I remember what it’s like to feel young and miserable
But now it’s different
I have more wisdom
Limited, I shall say
But able to carry me through seeing life outside of you
I taste second chances
I feel grace
I am in awe of what a life it is
C2: Road Trip:
There are things that I am afraid of. Dark truths about the world that I am afraid to face and look in the eye. Maybe they’re not entirely dark but they are not entirely light either. Maybe the hidden, the parts that I don’t know or see will give me the relief and courage I need to face the dark parts. But the healing doesn’t come before the hurt.
(I wrote this, hoping that writing would be cathartic and alleviate my fears. I am literally afraid to take a road trip because I am afraid of what I am going to see and suffer the emotions and the actions that those truths warrant.)
Procrastination: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Because of you I am a late bloomer. And I hate it. You make me feel paralyzed. You make me feel unable. You make me feel like a loser. I hate how you play a big role in my life and I hate that you just creep up on me everyday. I hate how many times I tried to battle you and failed. I hate knowing how capable and close I am to achieving my goals and dreams but you just stand there between me and them.
You stand there mocking me with a look in your eyes about how weak willed I must be to succumb to you everyday. You’re so good at at making me self-loathe. The smirk on your face says it all.
Some people have great obstacles like lack of health, money, resources, or time and yet they rise above themselves and their scarcity whatever it may be. But here you are wasting away your years because of me. I am nothing to other people. But to you, I am your enemy.
How easy is it for me to lure you in with sleeping in, lingering in bed, watching just one more show. I relish in the idiotic ways I can make you surrender to me even without knowing.
Sometimes I even make you think that you have everything under control so what is wrong with just a little entertainment. A little venturing off the way.
The high you get from being productive and staying on task have become so foreign to you that you can’t even keep it up for more than just one day. It literally scares you and makes your heart beats faster.
Truth is I am scared of who you could be without me.
Will you be able to conquer me?
Dear Wonderful Reader,
Super obvious things but I want to name and acknowledge them in hope that those little parasite can go away and leave me alone. I, literally, want to figure them out on this post and it is going to sound so stupid, but I guess that sometimes I am just that dumb! I try to fight them, instead of making them away. A battle usually lost and ends in me glued to the bed as my mind is roaming freely in the land of Self-Loathing.
a. Problem: Too thirsty/ Solution: Go drink.
b. too hungry/ Go eat.
c. Need to use the bathroom/ Go use the bathroom.
d. too hot/ Go get a shirt.
e. too cold/ Go wear a robe.
f. Feeling bothered that my skin is dry/ Go lotion.
g. Feeling that scalp is itchy/ Go shower with Head and Shoulders and give your scalp a good massage (note to self: need to fix shower).
h. Feeling ugly/ Go shower and put a little effort into outfit and makeup.
i. Feeling that I use LAUNDRY (God help me) as an escape mechanism to delay that important things I should be doing/ Finish the load and do one thing that is important.
j. Feeling that I am easily tempted and that I shop too much/ Stop shopping for 24 hours.
k. Feeling shitty cause I was mean to my family/ Decide to continue the day with kindness. Just one day.
l. Feeling that my space is filthy and decluttered/ Go declutter or clean one thing.
m. Panting and feeling anxious cause I can’t make a decision/ Breathe, drink water, go pee if you need to, and put things into perspective.
n. Feeling like I have too many THINGS and especially things I don’t use/ Put one thing away IMMEDIATELY in the Goodwill bag.
I miss you
And I can’t even see you
To think about you Gone
Makes me go insane
My head goes in circles
And I can’t take in the pain
So I stop and leave this mark (scar)
Again and again hidden in a river of pain
Since you were gone
My life is fallin’ apart
Nothing makes sense
Things are getting worse
I have no comfort in religion
My beliefs haven’t kept me
On a safe ground
I am shaken, shaken by agony and pain
Isn’t the answers I’m seeking
It’s this life
Which has been proven worthless
Nothing really matters or makes sense
And in all these sorrows and pain
Life, astonishing, goes on
Dear Wonderful Reader,
I present to you: dandelions. Some see a weed, others see a wish.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)
“The practice of kindness is the daily, friendly, homely caring form of love. It is both humble-a schoolboy bringing his teacher a bouquet of dandelions-and exalted-a fireman giving his life to save someone else’s. Kindness is love with hands and hearts and minds. It is both whimsical-causing our faces to crack into a smile-and deeply touching-causing our eyes to shimmer with tears. And its miraculous nature is such that the more acts of kindness we offer, the more of them we have to give, for acts of kindness are always drawn from the endless well of love.”
“To have an inner life, to think, to juggle and leap, to become a tightrope walker in the world of ideas. To attack, to riposte, to refute, what a contest, what acclaim. To understand. The most generous word of all. Memory. To retain, a geyser of felicity. Intelligence. The agonizing poverty of my mind. Words and ideas flitting in and out like butterflies. My brain a dandelion seed blown in the wind.”
“A man who took great pride in his lawn found himself with a large crop of dandelions. He tried every method he knew to get rid of them. Still they plagued him. Finally he wrote the department of agriculture. He enumerated all the things he had tried and closed his letter with the question: “What shall I do now?” In due course the reply came: “We suggest you learn to love them.”
Anthony de Mello
“I was as unburdened as a piece of dandelion fluff, and he was the wind that stirred me about the world.”
Sarah J. Mass
Dear Wonderful Reader,
(I have s
HITTYpecial neighbors and I am trying to find the silver lining.)
- You forcibly become an early riser. As the early hours of dawn are the only hours that allow you to indulge in the peace and quiet.
- You forcibly become social and productive. As you hungrily welcome any chance to get out of your room whether with friends or to run errands.
- You forcibly become attuned to new music, artists, and the 560,984,324 tracks of White Noise that exist on Spotify. As the only way to cope sometimes is to mask the noise.
- You forcibly become articulate and scholarly. As you make full use of the Podcast application on your phone and all the free audiobooks on Youtube.
- You forcibly become a creative thinker. As you think of creative solutions to solve the problem: whether to drill a “Quiet Please” sign to the side of your house, or to strategically move your desk by the window so you are always aggressively-passively making eye contact with them (in hopes that this will yield some shame–yet to be tested).
- You forcibly become patriotic and shout God Bless America and kiss the flag. As you now understand what a privilege it is to live in a country where law enforcement will answer to noise complaints (also, you have finally understood the point of paying taxes).
- You forcibly become conscious of your temperament and are forced to get a perspective. As you now have to develop coping mechanisms to be able to talk to yourself and calm it down when rage strikes.
- You forcibly become acutely aware of what you require in your next residency (and relationship). As you now dearly uphold “No talkers/ No children” banner whether in a neighbor or a partner.
- You forcibly become grateful. As you now savor peace and quiet and the little things in life that you have always took for granted.
- You forcibly become more Christian and understand the complexities of the Bible. As you run to Jesus in prayer when all else fails. You now know the weight and depth of “Love thy neighbor” (Mark 12:31) as this command takes on new meanings in your life.